"Come on, you? The sweetest person in the world? Please!"
This statement caught me off-guard mid-sentence. Before I could finish the story I was telling my mind was already racing 5 thoughts ahead. Sweetest person in the world? Who the fuck was he referring to? Me? ME? The first thing I thought was that my current boyfriend would never say that about me. But that’s not as bad as it sounds. My current boyfriend knows I am very loving and kind…to people I like…when I am in the mood for it. But he also knows how strong I am, how everyone gets my tough front before they get anything else. And my boyfriend has seen me cut people out of my life when I am done with their bullshit. He knows I don’t play that shit.
So what was this ex-boyfriend talking about? What was he remembering? Who was he remembering? Who was the past-version of me he was thinking about? Who was I when I was dating him? And why was I so shocked that she was not the same person I am today? If I am not the same, who is my current boyfriend dating? Is it normal for me to be a different person in each relationship I am in?
And just now I am asking myself, did my ex-boyfriend and the end of our relationship have something to do with me being who I am now? Is he the reason I am not the sweetest person in the world anymore? Am I ok being that much colder? That much more stand-offish?
For a long time I thought I came out of that relationship relatively unscathed. I mean it’s been three years. And as I sat across from him today, there were certain facts I could not forget. I knew I cried myself to sleep for weeks. I knew I felt betrayed and thrown away when he broke up with me so nonchalantly. I knew that I struggled with my decision to not run back to him, begging for love. But, now, those were all thoughts and feelings of which I had to forcibly remind myself. They were hollow totems, testaments to something that no longer was. And maybe that’s what is really going on here, maybe he is going through the same thing. Time has dulled the senses and he is remembering a glossed over version of me. The fine lines and details have faded away and all he has left is the good feelings I gave him. All he sees is the me he wishes I still was when I was with him.